Today, I feel okay. 
Mind you, it's a pathetic example of "okay", but at least it's something, right?  Anything is better than when I felt not okay. 
I ate today (high-fiving myself), I tried to do something good, and I went to /all/ of my classes.  DID GOOD.

On Saturday, I'm going to visit the University of Toronto for a tour, lecture, and strings masterclass.  I'm excited!  Hopefully this will demolish my fears in regards to the confusion that is post-secondary education, and I'll have one less thing to worry about on those sleepless nights.  

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Sometimes, I want to kill myself.

Remember when, for roughly two weeks, I was seriously considering auditioning for Humber with violin?  Remember that dream?
Remember when mother didn't rest until she had crushed that dream?  Until it was nothing but a faint memory of what could have been?

I do. 

Sad Night

I am having (clearly) having a sad night.  So instead of seeking comfort from people I care about, I have chosen to listen to Mumford and Sons and blog about my worries (I'm really good at sulking).

Sometimes I regret cutting myself off from you.  Maybe it was dumb. 
But I can't handle this.  

Some days I would feel guilty; talking to you would remind me of pain I may have caused you. 
That would remind me of the pain I caused for others. 
The pain I will cause. 

Other days, I would feel like it was all a lie.  Maybe lie is too harsh of a word.
Or maybe it isn't.
When there was no hope of a happy ending, you left me.
I'm too scared to make you understand how that made me feel. 
How it makes me feel. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCUpvTMis-Y&feature=related

The moon reminds me of your eyes,
shining bright in the depths of my mind.

ANOTHER ONE?

When I started this blog, I was really active (for me). 
I skied, I was biking trails, I ran, I swam a lot.  
Physically, I felt awesome.  Emotionally, not so much, but that's beside the point.  

In the past year, shit has happened.  I saw my doctor far too frequently, had sort of a cancer scare, had a bunch of other scares, realised he lied to me a lot, saw another doctor even more, tried a bunch of pills, did a bunch of tests, saw a specialist, did some more tests, still doing tests.  Only to realise that there isn't anything wrong with me?
The conclusion that we have arrived at is I have an eating disorder.  I do not have an eating disorder. 
I do not have an anything disorder I AM OKAY GO AWAY.  I do not need a therapist, thank you.

Then I saw a chiropractor and he's the first person to tell me that I'm fixable (good news).
So now I'm going to get fixed (hopefully).  
And then I can swim again.  I miss swimming. 

On a happier note, I have more presents. 

(and a sad one)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgLm2gInV4A

I'm Alive!!!!!!

Greetings, Internet.
Many things have happened in my absence.  Many.  Things.  

I realised that I have communication issues with my best friend, mostly because I'm too cowardly to share things with people I care about.  

I wrote an essay about a friend, but I cannot share who the friend is or what the essay was about it.  All I can say is that it was very emotional and it helped me to discover things about myself and the people around me.  

Good things come to those who wait.  Especially if you wait a really, really, long time.  However, things also come to those who wait.  Waiting is a risk. 

I really hate turkey, but I love pie.  Especially pumpkin pie.  I have mixed feelings about Thanksgiving.

I've been discovering a lot of really great music recently.  I will now share some with you. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUysiCX-XZQ

On the topic of music, I'm currently waiting for my audition pieces to appear in my mail box.  The ones for U of T.  You know, the only university I want to go to (sorry, York).  
Not really sorry.  At all.  I'll probably be sorry when I don't make it into U of T.  
Hopefully I make it out of high school alive.