Busy Busy Busy Busy bizznay

Today is a glorious day.
I no longer want pie. 
BECAUSE I HAVE PIE YEP THAT'S RIGHT THAT'S RIGHT EATING PIE ATE PIE LOVE PIE. 


Also school is over and now I have violin, but see. Instead of practicing and studying for exams I am going to just sit here. 
And do nothing. 
Except watch Supernatural. 
And now I'm going to leave because, well, I don't have the energy to blog. 
I just felt like it was empty.  I don't want to leave it for a week and then come back. 
Nothing eventful has happened.  I have a concert tomorrow.

I have been having one of the most unproductive days of my entire life. 

For the first time in the past 24 hours, let's talk about important things. 

Like how much I want to move to Australia. 

Now, this is not a new thing.  I have wanted to move to to this beautiful continent ever since I was a young child.  It was really bad when I was around 11 years old, and I went scuba diving. 

I can't even explain how badly I want to see the Barrier Reef.  This is a deep need.  

Also it's just beautiful and diverse and BEACHES.  I love water. 

Look I have pictures too (I have many pictures, it's a thing).

Who wouldn't want that. Plus, camels. 

I don't have very much to say today, because I did, basically, nothing.  Except put music on my iTunes, dance and sing, play violin, eat strawberries, take an epic fall. An extremely epic fall. 

And have lots of feels over Sherlock and the Avengers.  Also gingerhaze.  

Also, I still want pie (Or cheesecake).

WELCOME BACK RACHEL

It's been a long time, oh my. 
Okay well not THAT long, It's been around... SIX DAYS. THAT'S. THAT'S NEARLY A WEEK.  
I apologise to the individuals that actually read what I have to say.  I imagine you are few, but I am extremely grateful for every one. :) 


Since... Last Saturday(?)  I have been QUITE busy. You know... With school... And.... The internet... 
But really, it's nearly exam time!! And I have SIX of them.
5 for school, one for violin.  
And then two hours of lessons on Tuesday, which ended extremely well and I'm honestly proud of myself.  For once, I'm pleased with what I have achieved.  And it's a terrific feeling. 


Today we were on a class trip to the Science Centre, it was rather lovely. :)  I love the science centre, the museum, KNOWLEDGE.
(also dead things)
ALSO, MY MOTHER HAS HER JOB. AFTER A MONTH OF WAITING, SHE HAS IT!! Life will return back to normal once again, and I have a reason to smile. :D
When I arrived at home, it was once of those (opens door) and jumping, screaming, celebrating scenes like in the movies (not sure which movies though).  
Now we're going to a Steakhouse to celebrate... Wait, I don't EAT steak.  Oh well. 
I do eat pie.  So pie is what I will eat. 


Ugh I am really not prepared for Sunday.  My Sherlock feels cannot TAKE THIS. 
When I buy my tshirts from RedBubble, I will share pictures of them on my body. 
Unless they are so delicious I end up eating them. Then we'll have a problem. 

Romantic comedies, and my negative feelings on them.

I have lots of negative feelings (especially right now), and a lot of this is because I just watched...
A.  Romantic.  Comedy. 


Usually, these feelings aren't too bad.  I can sit through the movie, laugh at the amusing parts, and move on.  But not today. Oh no, not.  Today.  


I have lots to say about this particular movie, "27 Dresses", but I can't seem to find the proper words.  Here, have a confusing recount of my reactions and thoughts on this lovely movie. 


I hated it.  I hated.  That.  Movie. 
First of all, it was about love.  That made me pretty mad, especially when I'm already in a bad mood. 
They sang "BENNY AND THE JETS".  AND CHANGED THE LYRICS.  Sorry, but that is a thing for MY BEST FRIEND AND I, NOT THEM. 
We are much better at it.  I love you, Nicolette.  


HE WRITES A COLUMN HATING ON HER LIFE, AND SHE ENDS UP FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYWAYS
HOW ABOUT NO


THE DAY AFTER CALLING OFF THE WEDDING, BETWEEN HIM AND HER SISTER, HER BOSS IS OBVIOUSLY UNFAZED AND KISSES HER.  TWICE.
SORRY, BUT NO


EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED IN THAT MOVIE, INCLUDING HER NOT MAKING THAT BIG OF A FIT WHEN HER SISTER CUT UP HER DEAD MOTHER'S WEDDING DRESS
THAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF


I just really hate romantic comedies, and I sort of hate everything right now.  HA.  

I hate waiting for food. 
And I hate people. I do hate (most) people.
I hate that bad things happen to people you care about.  And I hate that bad things happen to you.  
I hate caring.  I really, truly hate caring.  I loath it.  I don't care anymore.
I hate that I have to go back to school on Monday, with anger and cramps.  And work, I don't want to work. 
I hate that I can't seem to express myself through music.  No, I have to sit there and fake emotion.  I am an emotionless, heartless, uncaring and unloving person that has no fucking heart and hates herself because of this. 
I really hate myself.  Especially right now. 
I hate that I had made a list of everything I hated, in my head, a mere 7 minutes ago.  And now, I've forgotten most of them. 
I hate negativity, but I love being negative.  When I need to.  Like right now.  Negative is a wonderful feeling right now. 
I hate it when people hate me.  But at the same time, I REALLY DON'T CARE. 
I hate that typing takes to long, and it's nowhere near as wonderful as yelling all of this at someone. 
Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. 
This has been a hate post. 

VERY DRAMATIC POST TITLE

(dramatic angle shifting as it zooms into focus)
(words come into view)
(loud noise)
(then silence)
(ACTION HAPPENS)


So I had quite the productive day (obviously).  Really though, I've done a lot.  I practiced, I started my homework (it's been two weeks, and I start it 3 days before school haha), I made dinner!


I MADE DINNER.  I MADE CHICKEN.  
I also ran around the house with the raw chicken, down to the basement, into the cantina.  All around the house, with this raw, headless chicken.
I FELT YOUNG, WILD, FREEEEEEEE. 
Then I cooked it.  And I didn't eat it, because that would not be smart since meat makes me quite sick.  
(I actually ate some, and now I'm paying for it)


What else happened today, hm. 
Well, I fainted.  Not too bad, I stood up and then bam, I fell.  My head went all woosh, and my legs gave out so dooooown I went.  


I hate waxing.  I really do.  The initial pain of it all isn't that bad, once you get used to it.  But AFTERWARDS, IT BURNS.  IT'S AWFUL, IT BURNS, I HATE IT, MY SKIN IS DRY, MY POOR BURNING FACE. 


Then I watched The Help.  It was a terrific movie, really heart wrenching.  I'll be reading the novel soon.    And I recommend it. :)  
Also nearly finished reading The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 
I really like books, come semester 2 I'll be reading a lot more.  


I will also be swimming.  I'm trying to get back in shape, for when I take my course for NLS certification.  We'll start with once a week, at 6 am.  I'm really excited. :) 


Well, now I'm going to paint my nails and finish watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes. 
This movie, with the Alzheimer's and everything... It's really hurting.  Remembering.   
Also the mistreatment of the chimps, but it's bringing back some memories.  


I will cry now, bye! :) 

Stop. Crushing. My. Dreams.

I seem to be abusing all inanimate objects lately.  I like throwing things.  Not at people though, and that's the only self restraint I'm showing right now. 
Nothing like a good 20 minutes of playing piano, quite angrily, and then breaking down and bawling your eyes out.  
It was extremely unattractive, as it usually is when I cry. 
But it kind of felt like something out of a movie, where the girl (or guy) is heartbroken and just cries over everything. 
But no, my heart wasn't broken (I don't really have a heart to break, remember? Heartless, that's me).  But just... I was broken.  
You know, for 6 years I was confident.  I was convinced that I had "talent", and that one day, I could go places.  She convinced me, that with my abilities, I could make it to UofT, for musical performance.  
Obviously, that's not going to happen.  I'm going to be a teacher anyways.  I'm fine with this. 
I'm still planning on auditioning for UofT though, maybe (MAYBE) I'll make it in.  I still have this dream, I really do.  It motivates me and pushes me to work as hard as I can.  


Yesterday, it was more or less crushed.  By, you guessed it, my mother. 
It was her, my best friend's mother, and I.  Sitting on the couch, talking about university.  
When asked where I was hoping to go, I listed universities in Ontario. 
York, Western, Laurier... UofT.  
My mother then turns to me, laughs, and says "Really Rachel?  Come on, let's be serious.  You can't make it in to UofT." 


You can't make it. 
You can't.
Let's be serious. 


I don't even know what else to say right now, other than I'm quite devastated. I don't want to be serious.  I want to hold on to the tiny shred of the dreams I once had.  
So stop crushing me. 

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of relationships.  And of the word "love". 
Many would assume that it's just a fear of commitment, but it's not. (Well maybe a little bit)
Beyond love for friends and family, I don't. I just... I don't feel.  Anything.  
Other than "Oh you're cute and funny, I kind of like you", I am cold and emotionless.  


This is probably why all of my past relationships have been ended, rather harshly, by me.  Only after I pretend for a while because you know what.  I don't like this. 
I don't like feeling cold and emotionless, unable to love anything.  Unable to properly express my emotions.  Not even through music, which definitely feels worse to me.  


I'm afraid of love, and it's double meaning.  I'm afraid that someone is going to turn around and tell me that they love me (highly unlikely, but bear with me), and I'm sitting here incapable of reciprocating.  Because I just CAN'T.  
What if I never do.  What if I end up alone, for the rest of my life, unable to love anyone.  
I don't want to be alone, I really don't. 
And I also don't want to hurt more people because of this.  

Captain Sherlock of the seven seas, deducing the fish.

It's -15 degrees in lovely little Bolton, and I'm sitting here dressed as a Gay pride flag. 
What I mean to say is, well, it's cold.  And when it's cold and you're not planning on leaving the house, you (or just myself) put on multiple layers of brightly coloured clothing in a sad attempt to stay warm and happy.  
Unfortunately, I am not the slightest bit warm.  I request that someone arrive at my door and bring hot chocolate, blankets, and body heat, stat.  Thank you. 


I am, however, rather happy.  For the first time in the past few days I FINALLY have enough strength to practice violin for hours :) This makes me rather content.


ALSO, MY FRIEND IS BACK FROM HIS TWO WEEK VACATION.  WELCOME BACK, DARLING. 


I watched Sherlock last night... And just... Feelings. 
Feelings about Irene Adler and Mycroft and Molly.
And how gay Sherlock and Watson are.
Gay gay gay, totally gay. 
Really, when Sherlock was in Buckingham Palace wearing only a bed sheet, nothing more.  And John looks over at Sherlock. With those eyes. 
And they laugh and it's so adorable I want to puke.  They just laughed because they realised "Here we are, sitting in Buckingham Palace.  The heart of the British Empire. And Sherlock is wearing a bed sheet." 
I'd laugh too. I did laugh.  


Then I read lots of fanfiction, and didn't end up going to sleep until 7 in the morning.  Whoops.  Three and a half hours of sleep is enough to function... Right? 
Well, I'm about to find out. 

It's summer!!

It's actually January, and there is snow on the ground.
Not summer.
I was kidding.
(Well it isn't summer HERE, but it is in... Australia.)


One more week left of Winter holidays, and I feel awful.  Sick, I can barely walk or breathe and I feel like I had some glass or something (ow).  
This month means exams!!
All four formal exams!! 
Death!!!
And one summative exam, and then my violin exam.
Which I am absolutely terrified for, and haven't been able to practice for the past couple days.  I can barely stand up, let alone do 4 hours of standing and working.  :(


I READ "Alone on the Water" tonight.  My emotions are just scattered throughout the universe and I did an unspeakable amount of hideous crying.  


"Will you miss me, John?"


Who do you think you are saying these things I think you should leave OH WAIT YOU DID BECAUSE YOU GOT YOURSELF A BRAIN TUMOUR AND DIED ON JOHN AND HE TOLD YOU HE LOVED YOU AND HELD YOU IN HIS ARMS AS YOU DIED AND FKSDJHFJKDHSFKJHDJKS


Alright. I think I'm okay.... Wait no. 

I can't even control my tears at this point