Today, I feel okay. 
Mind you, it's a pathetic example of "okay", but at least it's something, right?  Anything is better than when I felt not okay. 
I ate today (high-fiving myself), I tried to do something good, and I went to /all/ of my classes.  DID GOOD.

On Saturday, I'm going to visit the University of Toronto for a tour, lecture, and strings masterclass.  I'm excited!  Hopefully this will demolish my fears in regards to the confusion that is post-secondary education, and I'll have one less thing to worry about on those sleepless nights.  

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

Sometimes, I want to kill myself.

Remember when, for roughly two weeks, I was seriously considering auditioning for Humber with violin?  Remember that dream?
Remember when mother didn't rest until she had crushed that dream?  Until it was nothing but a faint memory of what could have been?

I do. 

Sad Night

I am having (clearly) having a sad night.  So instead of seeking comfort from people I care about, I have chosen to listen to Mumford and Sons and blog about my worries (I'm really good at sulking).

Sometimes I regret cutting myself off from you.  Maybe it was dumb. 
But I can't handle this.  

Some days I would feel guilty; talking to you would remind me of pain I may have caused you. 
That would remind me of the pain I caused for others. 
The pain I will cause. 

Other days, I would feel like it was all a lie.  Maybe lie is too harsh of a word.
Or maybe it isn't.
When there was no hope of a happy ending, you left me.
I'm too scared to make you understand how that made me feel. 
How it makes me feel. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCUpvTMis-Y&feature=related

The moon reminds me of your eyes,
shining bright in the depths of my mind.

ANOTHER ONE?

When I started this blog, I was really active (for me). 
I skied, I was biking trails, I ran, I swam a lot.  
Physically, I felt awesome.  Emotionally, not so much, but that's beside the point.  

In the past year, shit has happened.  I saw my doctor far too frequently, had sort of a cancer scare, had a bunch of other scares, realised he lied to me a lot, saw another doctor even more, tried a bunch of pills, did a bunch of tests, saw a specialist, did some more tests, still doing tests.  Only to realise that there isn't anything wrong with me?
The conclusion that we have arrived at is I have an eating disorder.  I do not have an eating disorder. 
I do not have an anything disorder I AM OKAY GO AWAY.  I do not need a therapist, thank you.

Then I saw a chiropractor and he's the first person to tell me that I'm fixable (good news).
So now I'm going to get fixed (hopefully).  
And then I can swim again.  I miss swimming. 

On a happier note, I have more presents. 

(and a sad one)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgLm2gInV4A

I'm Alive!!!!!!

Greetings, Internet.
Many things have happened in my absence.  Many.  Things.  

I realised that I have communication issues with my best friend, mostly because I'm too cowardly to share things with people I care about.  

I wrote an essay about a friend, but I cannot share who the friend is or what the essay was about it.  All I can say is that it was very emotional and it helped me to discover things about myself and the people around me.  

Good things come to those who wait.  Especially if you wait a really, really, long time.  However, things also come to those who wait.  Waiting is a risk. 

I really hate turkey, but I love pie.  Especially pumpkin pie.  I have mixed feelings about Thanksgiving.

I've been discovering a lot of really great music recently.  I will now share some with you. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUysiCX-XZQ

On the topic of music, I'm currently waiting for my audition pieces to appear in my mail box.  The ones for U of T.  You know, the only university I want to go to (sorry, York).  
Not really sorry.  At all.  I'll probably be sorry when I don't make it into U of T.  
Hopefully I make it out of high school alive. 

Everything

keeps happening and none of it seems to be good.
This week I realised that people don't leave because they're cruel, they leave because of me.
Mum says I suck the life out of her and I make her miserable.
I say "only one more year".
I can do this, I can make it out alive.  I've made it this far, I can keep going.
My stomach still hurts, I'd very much like it to stop.
Very much.
Preferably now.


On a side note, NEW BLOGSPOT LAYOUT YOU WILL NEVER CATCH ME.  I AM STRONG, I WILL NEVER SUCCUMB.

One Day

One day, it's not going to be like this. 
I'm going to have something to talk about.  I'm going to meet the right people, do the right things.  I'm going to make an impact on the world around me. 
It'll change for the better.  I know it will. 


And hopefully it will mean more interesting things to post about, because right now I've got nothing. 

I just.  I don't know what to do anymore. 
You had told me I did nothing wrong, so why.
Why are you doing this. 


I'll just keep telling myself it'll be easier once you're gone, and hope for the best. 

STRESS

WHY
IS IT ALWAYS
STRESS
I can't. Eat. Anything.
Why is it that every time there's something wrong with me, it seems to be caused by stress?
So frustrated I could cry.
I probably will cry.

You've changed. 

Sometimes I feel incredibly bad because of how negligent I have been towards my friends lately. 
I don't do it on purpose, I just... Can't. 


I feel like there's this empty pit, and no matter what I do I can't seem to fill it.  
I don't know why I feel like this.
I'm just... Not happy.  
I want to be good, social, joyful.  But lately I'm just so sick of pretending. 


Not feeling well today. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I think too much.
And sometimes I don't think enough.


Sometimes I talk too much.
And sometimes I don't talk enough.

Been neglecting this all month!  I'm guilty of abandoning here for a separate, secret blog... Oops?
Although my posts there haven't been quite recent either, so what can I say!  I've been busy.
I've also been sick, but we're not going to talk about that.
I'm not even sure what we're going to talk about.  Just not that.
----
I don't know what's going on anymore.  You've become this one big secret, I feel lost.
----
SECRETS
I'VE GOT SECRETS
SECRETS I'M NOT GOING TO SHARE
----
I've decided this post is going to be brief, as all of them usually are.  I still have many emotions about Supernatural and the death of Bobby (sobs incoherently), and I'd like to continue watching and also writing my report on Schubert (no complaints though).
Plus, I just have so many... thoughts.  Thoughts that don't feel nice in my head.
----
Ultrasound and costume party on Saturday!!
Still need to find a costume...

I have an alias now, aliases are cool

Because this means I have many baking supplies around the house, which is really useful on a snow day. 

Therefore, I can easily make some doughnuts. 

Really fun doughnuts, and hopefully really good ones!! 

In other news, I started a separate blog.  This one is linked to many people I know and while it's fantastic for putting down my thoughts and recounting certain events, I need somewhere for my inspirations and slightly deeper thoughts.  So I've created a really pretty thing, maybe it'll actually have followers, what a thought.  

It also gives me a chance to create an alias, which is super cool. 

I'm going to leave it at that, because my poor doughnuts might burn (again). 

Book of Mormon has such catchy music

This is me, keeping to my word and posting as often as I possibly can.  So this is me, updating on my life.  Hi all.  Let's just update on what's been "goin' on". 


SO, I'm still sick.  Yesterday sucked, I couldn't sleep at all because my stomach was hurting a lot.  And now I have a headache, so I'm just hoping this doesn't progress into a migraine or something. 


I made a new friend (on the internet, of course), who happens to be quite attractive.  So that was a big deal, because fkdjshafkjdhskjfhdjkhskj.  Now if only I could properly flirt. 
Compose yourself, Rachel. 


Thursday night, I had my first honour strings rehearsal.  This entire thing seems minor to everyone else, but so surreal to me.  I mean, I made it in.  With my self esteem, that wasn't something I expected.  And not only did I make it in, but I also made Violin I.  
These things don't happen to me. 
And then the actual rehearsal happened.  All through Thursday I was panicking because nerves.  I mean, the school is huge.  Three floors, massive hallways, and I went alone because I'm the only one in chamber strings from my school. 
So I wandered the halls for a bit and to be honest, I ended up getting lost. I had no idea where I was.  But then this girl was like "hey, are you here for PHS?" And I was like oh my god interaction breathe Rachel breathe "YES I AM".  (I actually kind of squeaked/shouted at her.  Anyways, she told me her name was Lydia and that she goes to the school where rehearsals are held.  She also plays cello (this is cool).  Anyways, she showed me around the school, including the really nice music rooms and the "murderer staircase".  It was great!!
And then the actual rehearsal started, and I didn't even realise that two hours had passed until it was over.  Our conductor is Dr. K.  DOCTOR. DOCTOR, HE HAS A PHD.  OH GOD, I'm totally transferring schools (but not really).  
That's pretty much the end of my story about honour rehearsal.  


I also watched Iron Man 2 today, and Captain America yesterday. 
Help me and my Avengers feels. 
"I have an army." "We have a Hulk."

BAND FESTIVAL YES

So, we just saw Humber's Jazz Merchants.
The most beautiful live performance I have ever seen. It was so captivating. I hate that it had to end.
Humber is such a terrific school, some days I just want to drop violin and take up jazz.
But that will never happen.
I'd rather cut off my arm. Well.... If I had to choose between cutting off my arm and nearly, well, anything else... I'd choose the other option. I like having two arms.
We placed Silver at festival today!! So that's good, I guess I'm pleased with it. Gold would be nice, but maybe next year? :)
ANY SONG BY BOSTON REMINDS ME OF NICOLETTE.
There were some REALLY cute people at this band festival, I'm extremely content.
Band festival always puts me in a good mood.

Hold me tight

Well.
So much for daily updates.
I can't even remember the last thing I posted about. I think I was busy? That's basically the only excuse for my absence. I've neglected my poor blog. :(
So now it's time to recap. This'll be a multiple post thing, because of how much went on in the last month or so.
(It isn't really that much, but bear with me)
Some days are good, some days are bad.
For example, my last few bad days were the four where I lacked an appetite, and the little food that I ate was forced. Today, I feel like my appetite is returning to normal, but I had unpleasant back pains. There were also insults thrown at me. And I had work. So maybe it wasn't so good after all? I'm feeling like I need some major hug action right now.
I'm also suffering from permanent confusion of feelings. This is not confuffity, no happy confusion. Just. Confusion. I need someone who can guide me through this, but I have no one I'm comfortable enough to talk about it with. Maybe if I wait long enough, things will sort themselves out?
On a side note, I miss my Nicolette.
And on a happy note!! In my absence, my blog seems to have reaches over 600 hits!!! UM HELLO THAT'S DEFINITELY A CHEERFUL THING TO BE CHEERFUL ABOUT.
Like I told someone today: For every reason to be sad, there are two reasons to be happy.
I should write fortune cookies.

Busy Busy Busy Busy bizznay

Today is a glorious day.
I no longer want pie. 
BECAUSE I HAVE PIE YEP THAT'S RIGHT THAT'S RIGHT EATING PIE ATE PIE LOVE PIE. 


Also school is over and now I have violin, but see. Instead of practicing and studying for exams I am going to just sit here. 
And do nothing. 
Except watch Supernatural. 
And now I'm going to leave because, well, I don't have the energy to blog. 
I just felt like it was empty.  I don't want to leave it for a week and then come back. 
Nothing eventful has happened.  I have a concert tomorrow.

I have been having one of the most unproductive days of my entire life. 

For the first time in the past 24 hours, let's talk about important things. 

Like how much I want to move to Australia. 

Now, this is not a new thing.  I have wanted to move to to this beautiful continent ever since I was a young child.  It was really bad when I was around 11 years old, and I went scuba diving. 

I can't even explain how badly I want to see the Barrier Reef.  This is a deep need.  

Also it's just beautiful and diverse and BEACHES.  I love water. 

Look I have pictures too (I have many pictures, it's a thing).

Who wouldn't want that. Plus, camels. 

I don't have very much to say today, because I did, basically, nothing.  Except put music on my iTunes, dance and sing, play violin, eat strawberries, take an epic fall. An extremely epic fall. 

And have lots of feels over Sherlock and the Avengers.  Also gingerhaze.  

Also, I still want pie (Or cheesecake).

WELCOME BACK RACHEL

It's been a long time, oh my. 
Okay well not THAT long, It's been around... SIX DAYS. THAT'S. THAT'S NEARLY A WEEK.  
I apologise to the individuals that actually read what I have to say.  I imagine you are few, but I am extremely grateful for every one. :) 


Since... Last Saturday(?)  I have been QUITE busy. You know... With school... And.... The internet... 
But really, it's nearly exam time!! And I have SIX of them.
5 for school, one for violin.  
And then two hours of lessons on Tuesday, which ended extremely well and I'm honestly proud of myself.  For once, I'm pleased with what I have achieved.  And it's a terrific feeling. 


Today we were on a class trip to the Science Centre, it was rather lovely. :)  I love the science centre, the museum, KNOWLEDGE.
(also dead things)
ALSO, MY MOTHER HAS HER JOB. AFTER A MONTH OF WAITING, SHE HAS IT!! Life will return back to normal once again, and I have a reason to smile. :D
When I arrived at home, it was once of those (opens door) and jumping, screaming, celebrating scenes like in the movies (not sure which movies though).  
Now we're going to a Steakhouse to celebrate... Wait, I don't EAT steak.  Oh well. 
I do eat pie.  So pie is what I will eat. 


Ugh I am really not prepared for Sunday.  My Sherlock feels cannot TAKE THIS. 
When I buy my tshirts from RedBubble, I will share pictures of them on my body. 
Unless they are so delicious I end up eating them. Then we'll have a problem. 

Romantic comedies, and my negative feelings on them.

I have lots of negative feelings (especially right now), and a lot of this is because I just watched...
A.  Romantic.  Comedy. 


Usually, these feelings aren't too bad.  I can sit through the movie, laugh at the amusing parts, and move on.  But not today. Oh no, not.  Today.  


I have lots to say about this particular movie, "27 Dresses", but I can't seem to find the proper words.  Here, have a confusing recount of my reactions and thoughts on this lovely movie. 


I hated it.  I hated.  That.  Movie. 
First of all, it was about love.  That made me pretty mad, especially when I'm already in a bad mood. 
They sang "BENNY AND THE JETS".  AND CHANGED THE LYRICS.  Sorry, but that is a thing for MY BEST FRIEND AND I, NOT THEM. 
We are much better at it.  I love you, Nicolette.  


HE WRITES A COLUMN HATING ON HER LIFE, AND SHE ENDS UP FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYWAYS
HOW ABOUT NO


THE DAY AFTER CALLING OFF THE WEDDING, BETWEEN HIM AND HER SISTER, HER BOSS IS OBVIOUSLY UNFAZED AND KISSES HER.  TWICE.
SORRY, BUT NO


EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED IN THAT MOVIE, INCLUDING HER NOT MAKING THAT BIG OF A FIT WHEN HER SISTER CUT UP HER DEAD MOTHER'S WEDDING DRESS
THAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF


I just really hate romantic comedies, and I sort of hate everything right now.  HA.  

I hate waiting for food. 
And I hate people. I do hate (most) people.
I hate that bad things happen to people you care about.  And I hate that bad things happen to you.  
I hate caring.  I really, truly hate caring.  I loath it.  I don't care anymore.
I hate that I have to go back to school on Monday, with anger and cramps.  And work, I don't want to work. 
I hate that I can't seem to express myself through music.  No, I have to sit there and fake emotion.  I am an emotionless, heartless, uncaring and unloving person that has no fucking heart and hates herself because of this. 
I really hate myself.  Especially right now. 
I hate that I had made a list of everything I hated, in my head, a mere 7 minutes ago.  And now, I've forgotten most of them. 
I hate negativity, but I love being negative.  When I need to.  Like right now.  Negative is a wonderful feeling right now. 
I hate it when people hate me.  But at the same time, I REALLY DON'T CARE. 
I hate that typing takes to long, and it's nowhere near as wonderful as yelling all of this at someone. 
Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. 
This has been a hate post. 

VERY DRAMATIC POST TITLE

(dramatic angle shifting as it zooms into focus)
(words come into view)
(loud noise)
(then silence)
(ACTION HAPPENS)


So I had quite the productive day (obviously).  Really though, I've done a lot.  I practiced, I started my homework (it's been two weeks, and I start it 3 days before school haha), I made dinner!


I MADE DINNER.  I MADE CHICKEN.  
I also ran around the house with the raw chicken, down to the basement, into the cantina.  All around the house, with this raw, headless chicken.
I FELT YOUNG, WILD, FREEEEEEEE. 
Then I cooked it.  And I didn't eat it, because that would not be smart since meat makes me quite sick.  
(I actually ate some, and now I'm paying for it)


What else happened today, hm. 
Well, I fainted.  Not too bad, I stood up and then bam, I fell.  My head went all woosh, and my legs gave out so dooooown I went.  


I hate waxing.  I really do.  The initial pain of it all isn't that bad, once you get used to it.  But AFTERWARDS, IT BURNS.  IT'S AWFUL, IT BURNS, I HATE IT, MY SKIN IS DRY, MY POOR BURNING FACE. 


Then I watched The Help.  It was a terrific movie, really heart wrenching.  I'll be reading the novel soon.    And I recommend it. :)  
Also nearly finished reading The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 
I really like books, come semester 2 I'll be reading a lot more.  


I will also be swimming.  I'm trying to get back in shape, for when I take my course for NLS certification.  We'll start with once a week, at 6 am.  I'm really excited. :) 


Well, now I'm going to paint my nails and finish watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes. 
This movie, with the Alzheimer's and everything... It's really hurting.  Remembering.   
Also the mistreatment of the chimps, but it's bringing back some memories.  


I will cry now, bye! :) 

Stop. Crushing. My. Dreams.

I seem to be abusing all inanimate objects lately.  I like throwing things.  Not at people though, and that's the only self restraint I'm showing right now. 
Nothing like a good 20 minutes of playing piano, quite angrily, and then breaking down and bawling your eyes out.  
It was extremely unattractive, as it usually is when I cry. 
But it kind of felt like something out of a movie, where the girl (or guy) is heartbroken and just cries over everything. 
But no, my heart wasn't broken (I don't really have a heart to break, remember? Heartless, that's me).  But just... I was broken.  
You know, for 6 years I was confident.  I was convinced that I had "talent", and that one day, I could go places.  She convinced me, that with my abilities, I could make it to UofT, for musical performance.  
Obviously, that's not going to happen.  I'm going to be a teacher anyways.  I'm fine with this. 
I'm still planning on auditioning for UofT though, maybe (MAYBE) I'll make it in.  I still have this dream, I really do.  It motivates me and pushes me to work as hard as I can.  


Yesterday, it was more or less crushed.  By, you guessed it, my mother. 
It was her, my best friend's mother, and I.  Sitting on the couch, talking about university.  
When asked where I was hoping to go, I listed universities in Ontario. 
York, Western, Laurier... UofT.  
My mother then turns to me, laughs, and says "Really Rachel?  Come on, let's be serious.  You can't make it in to UofT." 


You can't make it. 
You can't.
Let's be serious. 


I don't even know what else to say right now, other than I'm quite devastated. I don't want to be serious.  I want to hold on to the tiny shred of the dreams I once had.  
So stop crushing me. 

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of relationships.  And of the word "love". 
Many would assume that it's just a fear of commitment, but it's not. (Well maybe a little bit)
Beyond love for friends and family, I don't. I just... I don't feel.  Anything.  
Other than "Oh you're cute and funny, I kind of like you", I am cold and emotionless.  


This is probably why all of my past relationships have been ended, rather harshly, by me.  Only after I pretend for a while because you know what.  I don't like this. 
I don't like feeling cold and emotionless, unable to love anything.  Unable to properly express my emotions.  Not even through music, which definitely feels worse to me.  


I'm afraid of love, and it's double meaning.  I'm afraid that someone is going to turn around and tell me that they love me (highly unlikely, but bear with me), and I'm sitting here incapable of reciprocating.  Because I just CAN'T.  
What if I never do.  What if I end up alone, for the rest of my life, unable to love anyone.  
I don't want to be alone, I really don't. 
And I also don't want to hurt more people because of this.  

Captain Sherlock of the seven seas, deducing the fish.

It's -15 degrees in lovely little Bolton, and I'm sitting here dressed as a Gay pride flag. 
What I mean to say is, well, it's cold.  And when it's cold and you're not planning on leaving the house, you (or just myself) put on multiple layers of brightly coloured clothing in a sad attempt to stay warm and happy.  
Unfortunately, I am not the slightest bit warm.  I request that someone arrive at my door and bring hot chocolate, blankets, and body heat, stat.  Thank you. 


I am, however, rather happy.  For the first time in the past few days I FINALLY have enough strength to practice violin for hours :) This makes me rather content.


ALSO, MY FRIEND IS BACK FROM HIS TWO WEEK VACATION.  WELCOME BACK, DARLING. 


I watched Sherlock last night... And just... Feelings. 
Feelings about Irene Adler and Mycroft and Molly.
And how gay Sherlock and Watson are.
Gay gay gay, totally gay. 
Really, when Sherlock was in Buckingham Palace wearing only a bed sheet, nothing more.  And John looks over at Sherlock. With those eyes. 
And they laugh and it's so adorable I want to puke.  They just laughed because they realised "Here we are, sitting in Buckingham Palace.  The heart of the British Empire. And Sherlock is wearing a bed sheet." 
I'd laugh too. I did laugh.  


Then I read lots of fanfiction, and didn't end up going to sleep until 7 in the morning.  Whoops.  Three and a half hours of sleep is enough to function... Right? 
Well, I'm about to find out. 

It's summer!!

It's actually January, and there is snow on the ground.
Not summer.
I was kidding.
(Well it isn't summer HERE, but it is in... Australia.)


One more week left of Winter holidays, and I feel awful.  Sick, I can barely walk or breathe and I feel like I had some glass or something (ow).  
This month means exams!!
All four formal exams!! 
Death!!!
And one summative exam, and then my violin exam.
Which I am absolutely terrified for, and haven't been able to practice for the past couple days.  I can barely stand up, let alone do 4 hours of standing and working.  :(


I READ "Alone on the Water" tonight.  My emotions are just scattered throughout the universe and I did an unspeakable amount of hideous crying.  


"Will you miss me, John?"


Who do you think you are saying these things I think you should leave OH WAIT YOU DID BECAUSE YOU GOT YOURSELF A BRAIN TUMOUR AND DIED ON JOHN AND HE TOLD YOU HE LOVED YOU AND HELD YOU IN HIS ARMS AS YOU DIED AND FKSDJHFJKDHSFKJHDJKS


Alright. I think I'm okay.... Wait no. 

I can't even control my tears at this point