Return

Welcome back, Rachel.  For a little while there, I forgot I even had this blog...
Life has been so crazy over the past year (almost two years, actually), that I've forgotten a lot of things.  I forgot the friends I had, the life I once had.  I forgot what it was like to laugh, to cry, to feel normal.  I forgot what it was like to get pleasure out of doing things that used to make me feel awesome.  I forgot how to talk to my family, how to talk to my mother without freaking out over nothing and starting an argument.  And during this past year, I've blamed everyone around me for the way I've been acting and the things I've said and done to others.
That was never the case, though; it was never their fault.  I just couldn't hold myself accountable for the way I felt and the way I was behaving.
I'm better now, though.  I can talk to people– I can talk to my mum again.  I can smile, and laugh, and sing at the top of my lungs.  I can cry.  For the longest time I couldn't cry– I would just lie there at night, with no way of expressing the darkness that was sitting in my chest.  I guess that's why it was so easy to hide myself from everyone around me.
At one point, I thought that was a good thing.  If no one noticed what was happening, maybe it wasn't real?  Or maybe they'd think of other reasons why I was isolating myself and pushing everyone away.
And then maybe they wouldn't be able to welcome me back.
I'm feeling so much better now, and it's amazing.  I'm patient, calm, happy Rachel.  I'm productive Rachel, who loves to help others and surprise them with little things to make their day.  I'm going outside, enjoying my days, talking to my friends again...
Well, talking to most of my friends again.  Funny how the people I knew for almost 7 years refuse to welcome me back into their circle.  What used to be our circle.
I don't know who to hold accountable for this.  I was the one that pushed them away; but they were the ones who did nothing to stop me.  They're the ones who are crushing my attempts to fix the last two years.  But maybe I deserve this?